You’d better watch out. Santa Claus is comin’ to town. He knows if you’ve been bad or good — and we all know there’s been an awful lot of naughty out there in the celebrity realm in 2012. With so many famous folk making the jolly fat man’s Bad list, as well as some so Good some extra sugarplums are in order, it’s only right that we help out by delivering some virtual gifts the stars really deserve.
To Snooki, Mike, Pauly D, Sammi, JWoww and the rest of the “Jersey Shore” gang: We’ll celebrate wrapping up six long seasons that viewers wasted their time watching you get drunk, fight, make out, stumble around and throw up by handing out one-way tickets for everyone to the Bermuda Triangle.
To Anne Hathaway, whose panty-less wardrobe malfunction at the NYC premiere of “Les Miserables” threatened to get more attention than her outstanding work in the film: a new stylist.
To Taylor Swift, whose plentiful romances and breakups yield lots of attention and platinum recordings: a copy of Hall & Oates’ 1982 classic, “Maneater.”
To Seth MacFarlane, who will be hosting the Academy Awards next year: some good luck charms to help him channel the best hosts of the past: a Whoopi cushion, a Crystal, a Rock, a kilt made of Stewart plaid, and a ray of Hope.
To Simon Cowell, who seems to enjoy surrounding himself with ever-younger females: a new “X Factor” judge who comes complete with tons of media attention, a fetching smile, pageant titles galore, and ample youth –Honey Boo Boo.
To Honey Boo Boo and Mama June: a Three Thumb Salute.
Blue Ivy Carter: Nothing. With three nurseries (one of which is reportedly 2,200 square feet) crowded with such items as a $600,000 solid gold handmade rocking horse and a Swarovski diamante encrusted high chair, Beyonce’s and Jay-Z’s daughter already has a bigger GNP than some small countries.
To Beyonce and Jay-Z: Some sense.
To Whitney Houston’s “loved ones” who sold funeral photos of her in repose to the tabloids and to over-zealous media involved in such shenanigans as chasing after the ambulance in which her body was being transported: Mirrors, in which to see themselves as disgusting as others see them.
To Justin Bieber: All-terrain boots, to walk over the potholes of teen idoldom and keep his feet on the ground, and a compass so he doesn’t get lost
Jimmy Kimmel: A helmet, for protection as he goes head-to-head with Letterman and Leno at 11:35 starting next month.
To Halle Berry and her ex-husband Gabriel Aubrey, who finally seem to be making headway in resolving their hostile custody dispute over daughter Nahla (that included a fistfight between Aubrey and her fiancé Olivier Martinez): Peace.
To Drew Barrymore, husband Will Kopelman and baby daughter Olive: Happiness.
To Lindsay Lohan: Help.
To the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge: Healthy and bouncy heir.
To Ann Coulter: A muzzle.
To Chris Brown: Ditto.
To all those planning a new “Star Wars” movie at Disney for 2015: The Force. With them may it be.
To “Sesame Street”: Quick recovery from the Kevin Clash scandal (and many of us wouldn’t mind less Elmo and more Big Bird. Just sayin’.)
To Daniel Day Lewis: Four score and seven “Lincoln” awards, including a third Oscar.
To Kristin Cavallari, who said she was “acting” on “The Hills” and the show was “pretty fake” — and to Lauren Conrad, who said that “The Hills” was pretty true: Cross-stitched samplers of Mark Twain’s saying, “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.”
To Clint Eastwood, who memorably, meanderingly, chatted with a chair at the Republican National Convention: A full living room set to talk to, but off-camera, please.
And to all the celebrities active in charity — whether 12-12-12, Stand Up to Cancer or other public fundraising;,behind-the-scenes acts of kindness like visiting Make-a-Wish children, doing USO shows in far-off dangerous places, going green, or otherwise lending their star power to worthy causes – continuing health, high energy and blessings to you.