We get word from the North Pole that Santa has been considering switches and lumps of coal for certain Hollywood celebrities who’ve been very naughty this year, but he’s concerned that such gifts are a little behind the times. And as for those stars who’ve been nice, well, it’s tough for even the jolly fat man himself to top the hundreds of thousands of dollars’ worth of fashions, high tech gadgets, trips and other luxury items they can select for themselves at awards shows gifting suites. So, you see, Mr. Claus is frustrated. That’s why we thought we’d help him out with some hand-picked virtual gifts for the stars.
KARDASHIAN-JENNER CLAN: An Occupy visit from The 99 Percent who find them annoying.
KRIS HUMPHRIES: A copy of Lil’ Chris’ song “I’ve Been Had”
New “America’s Got Talent” judge HOWARD STERN — An all-day sucker, to make his mouth sweeter and keep him from talking for awhile.
ALEC BALDWIN AND GERARD DEPARDIEU, who threw a tantrum and pee-peed in the aisle, respectively, while traveling on planes. A Naughty Chair each, where they’ll have to remain grounded in time-out until they say they’re sorry and promise to behave like good boys when they fly.
GEORGE LOPEZ, who compared Kirstie Alley to a pig before she lost all that weight on “Dancing With the Stars”: A giant ham, in honor of his performance in “Mr. Troop Mom.”
KIRSTIE ALLEY: A lifetime supply of dancing shoes.
‘Dancing With the Stars’ Winner and Dad-to-Be J.R.MARTINEZ: A full dance card of engagements to keep spreading his inspirational message.
LINDSAY LOHAN: A fig leaf, and a session with past life regression expert Brian Weiss so she can attempt a return to her previous existence — pre-morgue-Playboy-drugs-jail — as a talented young actress.
THE MANY STARS WHO GIVE COUNTLESS HOURS TO AID WORTHY CHARITIES: Blessings
MICHAEL JACKSON’S CHILDREN: Peace
CHARLIE SHEEN’S CHILDREN: The same
TOBEY MAGUIRE, LEONARDO DiCAPRIO, MATT DAMON AND BEN AFFLECK, who were revealed this past summer to have participated in high-stakes underground Hollywood poker games: A copy of Kenny Rogers’ “The Gambler”…”You got to know when to hold ’em; know when to fold ’em. Know when to walk away; know when to run.”
THE DUKE AND DUCHESS OF CAMBRIDGE: Continued happily-ever-aftering.
KANYE WEST: A sense of humor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER, the former governor ofCalifornia, whose libertine ways led to the revelation of a secret love child this year: a Caterpillar D9 military strength bulldozer to start shoveling through the ungodly mess he made in his family’s lives
MARIA SHRIVER: A copy of Maureen Dowd’s “Are Men Necessary?”
Newly-single DEMI MOORE: Ditto
CHUCK LORRE, who needs to get over his “Two and a Half Men” experience with Charlie Sheen and quit with the dissing: a copy of Kelly Clarkson’s song “Just Walk Away.”
PRODUCER BRUCE HELFORD AND FX NETWORK CHIEF JOHN LANDGRAF, who evidently think Charlie Sheen will be just fine to work with in his forthcoming “Anger Management” series: copies of “Alice in Wonderland,” because it looks like they’re headed down the rabbit hole.
HUGH HEFNER AND KELSEY GRAMMER, whose ex-fiancée and ex-wife each publicly dished embarrassing details of their supposed sexual deficiencies to the mass audience: A Sound Stopper Noise Control System each. And some sense.
BRITNEY SPEARS AND FIANCE JASON TRAWICK: A framed cross-stitch sampler that reads “Sixth Time’s a Charm.” And best of luck.
JAMES FRANCO: A curve, on which to be graded.
ADELE: We wish nothing but the best — and Grammys — for you.
EMMA STONE, VIOLA DAVIS AND OCTAVIA SPENCER: All “The Help” they’ll need to carry the armloads of statuettes they’ll be receiving this awards season.
And to all our readers, health, peace, and prosperity!