The New Year — make that the New Decade — is upon us. While we can’t tell you how long the economic recovery will continue or give you a timetable for climate change, we do have our trusty celebrity crystal ball here and we’re ready to make our fearless predictions about Hollywood and its stars in 2010.
By the end of next year, people will finally catch on that “The Hills” is the worst show on television and it will be canceled … if we’re lucky.
Brad and Angelina will adopt a child from an obscure country while Madonna stands by jealously watching the media attention.
Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson will finally announce they’re a couple.
Tyler Perry will make a movie in which he’s wearing a dress.
Lady Gaga will make a movie in which she’s wearing half a dress.
Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz will bring into the world a little sister or brother to go with son Bronx Mowgli Wentz. The new baby’s name will be Brooklyn Bagheera Wentz or Manhattan Shere Khan Wentz.
2010 will be a comeback year for Dave Chappelle.
It won’t be a comeback year for Bobby Brown.
Meryl Streep will make it 16 Academy Award nominations with her “Julie & Julia” performance. Duh! She already has the record for Oscar noms with 15, three more than Katharine Hepburn and Jack Nicholson.
Jennifer Aniston and Jessica Simpson will make headlines once again for dating Mr. Wrong while John Mayer will wallow in his self-appreciation.
Tina Fey will rule the universe.
The Kardashian sisters will have started collecting alimony from some of the world’s biggest athletes.
Jane Lynch will get an armload of awards for her instant classic character, the Machiavellian, sadistic yet delightful Coach Sue on “Glee.”
Like a ticking time bomb, Lindsay Lohan will self-destruct. Oh, wait, too late.
Jillian Harris and Ed Swiderski will join the rest of “The Bachelorette” broken hearts club.
Jillian Michaels and Bob Harper will become the first TV personalities to negotiate contract extensions with bonuses on a “per pound” basis, as NBC keeps bringing in heavier and heavier contestants (coming up: a 526-pounder) to get more episodes out of each “Biggest Loser” season.
Michael Jackson’s family will find new ways to cash in on his legacy.
Amid reports of infidelity, Jessica Alba will finally realize that she cannot bank on her husband, Cash.
George Clooney will finally settle down.
Yeah right. Like that would ever happen.
New ABC News anchor Diane Sawyer will be judged on her appearance.
The countdown to Oprah’s last show will become unbearably drawn out and exhausting, and it isn’t even 2011 yet.
The countdown to Arnold Schwarzenegger’s departure from the California governor’s mansion a year from now will become unbearable — because it’s still so far away. With an eye on his future, the bodybuilding champ turned movie star turned politician will sign up to become a contestant on “Dancing With the Stars,” proving once again that ballroom dancing doesn’t make you a girlie man.
The Jonas Brothers’ fans will start to come to grips with the fact they’re growing up and moving on — Kevin got married, Nick has a solo album and his own group, and Joe is moving more into acting and being the center of dating rumors. So girls, better drink in all of the second season of the “Jonas” series this coming summer while you can.
More people will come to grips with the hard truth that when you call a television network to complain about something, you make it stronger, e.g. MTV’s “Jersey Shore.” The latter premiered to about 1.4 million viewers, but thanks to controversy over its portrayal of Italians, the viewership jumped to about 2.1 million viewers in its second week. And then there’s Adam Lambert’s American Music Awards performance.
Lambert will become the first male celebrity to land a cosmetics spokesmodel gig, hawking eyeliner.
Since he’s proven that he helps anything he emcees — the TVLand Awards, the Tonys, the Emmys — Neil Patrick Harris will be asked to host the 2010 Tiger Woods Chevron World Challenge golf tournament.
The “Ghost Hunters” on SyFy will at long last capture unequivocal proof of post-mortem activity when they stumble onto the vaporous visage of Jon Gosselin’s TV career.
— Stacy Jenel Smith and Emily-Fortune Feimster