To Madonna, Jennifer Lopez, Sharon Stone and Kris Jenner, all of whom have been dating men young enough to be their sons: Happy Meals complete with boy toys.
To baby daddy Simon Cowell, who is expecting a son in February with girlfriend Lauren Silverman — whom he impregnated while she was still married to his former best friend: A lifetime supply of Pampers and all their contents.
Miley Cyrus — An ice bath, because clearly this twerking twerp is overheated.
To Liam Hemsworth, whose “Paranoia” film was one of the biggest box office flops this year, a cross-stitched sampler that says “At least I’m not married to Miley.”
To Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones, back together after their six-month separation, a copy of the Peaches & Herb golden oldie, “Reunited.”
To “Duck Dynasty’s” Phil Robertson, whose anti-gay statements got him suspended by A&E: A bumper sticker that says, Real Christians Love Not H8.
To A&E, which issued a statement expressing “disappointment” over Robertson’s views when it suspended him — as if nobody there had a clue about his p.o.v. — a GIF of Captain Renault in “Casablanca” announcing “I’m shocked, shocked!”
To Jay Leno: a roasted NBC peacock to slowly cut up and chew as he muses over options for his next move.
To Carrie Underwood, who withstood a torrential storm of snark from internet haters over her performance in “Sound of Music Live” — the last laugh. Oh, wait. With 18.6 million viewers tuning in, she already has that.
To nipple-baring celebs Rihanna and Kendall Jenner: designer chest protectors.
To the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and baby heir George: Continued happily-ever-aftering.
To the entire Jenner/Kardashian clan, whose 15 minutes expired long ago: Copies of Dr. Seuss’ “Marvin K. Mooney, Will You Please Go Now?”
To the late “Fast and Furious” star Paul Walker’s 15-year-old daughter, Meadow: Comfort
To Michael Jackson’s children: Peace
To Demi Lovato: Health
To Brue Dern: An Oscar
To Lady Gaga and Perez Hilton: a package of Hershey’s kisses and a case full of Lancome makeup. Time to quit their boring feud already.
To Justin Bieber: a rug with his picture on it because he really needs to get over himself – as exemplified by his response to visiting Anne Frank’s house, imagining that the Holocaust heroine would have been his fan if she were alive today.
Billie Jean King and the rest of the U.S. delegation to the Sochi Olympic Games: a safe and rewarding journey.
To Sexiest Man Alive, singer extraordinaire and “Voice” coach Adam Levine: Nicotine patches (unless he managed to quit smoking since we saw him puffing away at a party).
To Barbara Walters, who is stepping down in 2014 after 65-year career: A pleasant place to land.
To Beyonce and Jay-Z, who seem to love leading the celebrity pack when it comes to spending millions of dollars on extravagances for themselves and daughter Blue Ivy (a $2 million Bugatti here, a $600,000 gold rocking horse there): sign-ups for NYU’s certificate program in Global Philanthropy.