Fearless Predictions for Entertainment 2015

Nicki_Minaj_3,_2012The new year is here at last! Say goodbye to a year filled with entertainment news nobody predicted — a year in which a Hollywood studio suffered a cyberattack allegedly by a foreign country, formerly-beloved father figure Bill Cosby took a fall into infamy, and George Clooney got married. What in the world could be in store for the new year? It’s time to dust off our trusty celebrity crystal ball and make fearless predictions about the entertainment world and its stars in 2015.

With Garth Brooks and Christine McVie out of retirement, the next AARP-aged music superstar retiree to return to the spotlight will be Steve Perry — who already teased the idea in 2014, appearing with the Eels in May and leading the crowd in “Don’t Stop Believin'” at a San Francisco Giants playoff game. And they won the World Series. It was a sign.

Given her dramatic change of appearance, the media will have a field day with the title of Renee Zellweger’s first film in four years, “Same Kind of Different As Me” — “Kind of the Same As Me,” “Kind of Different Me,” etc.

Critics will feel obligated to mention Meg Ryan’s and Melanie Griffith’s dramatic changes of appearance in reviews for Ryan’s directorial debut, “Ithaca,” based on the 1943 novel “The Human Comedy” by William Saroyan. Yes, excessive cosmetic surgery is, in fact, a sad human comedy.

Despite the most over-reported and picked-apart advance news bites of any film in history, J.J. Abrams’ “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” will rule the movie-going universe upon its release Dec. 18.

A new generation of Clooneys will be on the way before year’s end, courtesy George Clooney and his “Most Fascinating Person” bride, human rights attorney Amal Alamuddin. Sure, George said he’ll never have children, but he also said he’d never wed again.Come on! You’ll make pretty babies.

In answer to the unprecedented popularity of exposed celebrity buttocks in 2014, look for the launch of a new line of fashion dolls called Back by Popular Demand — with backsides that put Barbie’s dainty derriere to shame. Included will be the Nicki doll, with a gyrating wonder of a wind-up butt, dancing to “Anaconda”; the Kim doll, with her oiled bottom accessorized with an iPad to break the internet; the Jenny doll, exciting the interest of onlookers as she parades her bountiful “Booty” down the block; and the Beyootiful doll who comes complete with a stage and a costume featuring cut out glutes and a halo.

Speaking of that particular part of the anatomy, there’s “Real Housewife” Teresa Giudice. She recently noted in a TV interview about New Year’s resolutions that she’d like to stop eating “bad carbs” because she wants to get her “ass back” — but she never mentioned that she’s about to go serve 15 months for fraud. In fact, as the cookbook author will note before 2015 is through, she has found the ultimate restricted diet: prison. Come out of the big house looking like a brick house.

The “Ghost Hunters” on SyFy will at long last capture unequivocal proof of post-mortem activity when they stumble onto the ghostly visage of Lindsay Lohan’s career.

Meryl Streep will make it 19 Academy Award nominations with her “Into the Woods” performance as the witch — but she won’t win Oscar No. 4. Patricia Arquette will take home Best Supporting Actress honors for “Boyhood.”

Tyler Perry will make a movie in which he’s wearing a dress.

Neil Patrick Harris will make it a sweep with his upcoming Oscar show emceeing success rounding out his run of awards show hosting achievements. Oh, wait. There’s still the Grammys.

Amy Poehler and Tina Fey will skewer North Korea in their Golden Globes opener Jan. 11 — and their lines will be way funnier than just calling someone a monkey.

Happy new year, everyone!